I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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