I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
