My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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