How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
