u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
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