Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
