Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
