All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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