Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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