my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
That's when you crack a 10am beer
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
