my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
