Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize