my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
