we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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