just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I need moral support for this bender
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
