she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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