i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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