She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
