I just gift wrapped bread.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize
