I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
