I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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