I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
