Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
