if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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