There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
