I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
