I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
