I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
