don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
i believe in u and ur pee
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