I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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