dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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