I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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