I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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