I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
