I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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