I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
