Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
3 2 1 whiskey
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
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