Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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