I look better un-naked...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
