u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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