Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
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