Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
