In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
