i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
