There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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