Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
