Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
