one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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