I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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