Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
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He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
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I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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