Cold hands, warm shart.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
