I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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