i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Randomize
