I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
