You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
